The Little Ovary That Could

I recently had an ultrasound (no I’m not pregnant and I will not be going that route in this life as it’s not an interest. It’s also a vaginal ultrasound – a long wand with a magical light at the end of it is stuck into your vagina. The only thing you want at the end of it is a hot chocolate from Starbucks and some self-cuddling on the couch under a blankie), which shows a big endometrial cyst, also known as chocolate cyst or endometrioma, on my ovary which needs to be removed asap.

I have endometriosis, which is where the blood in the uterine lining grows abnormally as cysts or lesions in your pelvic region and less commonly in other areas of the body. I also have two smaller chocolate cysts (delicious, I know) and small uterine fibroids, at least what we can see from the ultrasound. It all makes sense now with the wretched discomfort the last couple of years. 

Having endometriosis is extremely painful and burdensome – it’s a state in which you have to be as still as possible, otherwise, the precise corner of a heavy wooden dresser weighing down on you will finally cave into your ovary and crush it into nonexistence. Or the insanely precise edge of a metal bar will do the same. You learn to develop a heightened awareness and a stillness and drudgingly accept for the moment that your desires and wishes in life will somehow and hopefully manifest. 

I’ve had routine ultrasounds to monitor this current cyst, which has to be monitored like a bomb about to detonate but this last examination showed it grew dramatically within a couple months. Years, or a lifetime, ago and ten days before my 23rd birthday, I had a large ovarian cyst which had to be removed immediately for fear of it bursting or internal bleeding, etc. I was told I would likely lose my ovary and was in emergency (invasive) surgery the morning after seeing my doctor. Fortunately the ovary was saved. I had to take the semester off from law school due to a three month recovery and plowed through the last year and a half of school on birth control to ‘graduate on time’ and not incur additional costs I guess. 

Needless to say along with the other horrors of life, my 20s were awful but thankfully and haphazardly found acupuncture to help with pain relief and other crippling symptoms like body heaviness, constant dizziness, vertigo, leg pain and numbness (do I even have legs?) among numerous others. I found much relief and healing through it and Chinese herbs, going off pain medications like Naproxen, Vioxx, and tons of Advil – gotta have my m&ms and there is still just little relief. I’ve seen my mother take so many prescription pain meds and some women are even on oxycodone. Padma Lakshmi was on Vicodin.

Acu also helped with feeling like I have some method to help me through this and with having to go through lots of procedures/laparoscopies. My perspective on this is that with the pain relief provided through acu, maybe we can avoid multiple procedures. I did have one six years ago to remove an ovarian polyp. Plop plop, fiss fiss, oh what a relief it is. The exhaustion never leaves you though. 

I also give credit to the Pluto power the Divine has gifted me as I learn the journey of healing through death and rebirth, realizing it’s all a part of my destiny. As horrific as this disease is, rendering you an invalid for months at a time, if not a week or more per month during your period years (well over three decades), I am grateful for it all. If it wasn’t for this disease, I would not have been introduced to balance, a difficult learning mandated by my 8th house Libra stellium, how to self-nurture and care with discipline (a constant struggle) with Cancer north node in the 6th and draw boundaries (Taurus Moon conjunct Chiron).

For many of us, covid has been a trying time. I felt something major was about to happen and during went into observation mode of the virus with acceptance, providing astrological explanation to those looking for answers. But then I noticed the precise corner of that metal bar grinding into my lower back and spine, a pain getting worse. And even as I knew that the Pluto-Saturn conjunction of January 2020 heralded covid as well as other changes to come, I had trouble coming to terms with its conjunction to five degrees of my 12th house south node in Capricorn, simultaneously squaring my Pluto-Libra Stellium. Some balance issues including around my health were coming on.

I was unable to see my acupuncturist for six months of 2020 and ended up having minor and major bleeding for two months straight. How can someone who has had a monthly appointment for something that helps her function for over eleven years have it taken away for half a year?! Thanks a lot, communist China. The number of pads you go through starts numbing your mind and senses. I was so exhausted, and felt like I had been whacked with that stupid metal bar over and over again. It took me over a year to get somewhat back on track with another month of horrific bleeding in between, the type where you feel like you are going to die and have made peace with it all. You live up until this point knowing that if something happens, you made peace and friendship with the ones you love and learned what you are supposed to. I am the eternally leaking faucet.

With endometriosis, there are so many moments you numbingly wonder why you exist and what the heck you’re supposed to do with your Saturnian time-space reality. You want to barf all the time and hate food. I just want to go to the mountains somewhere, preferably the Himalayas and sleep, do Yoga Nidra and drink tea for all of time. Good god how much can life revolve around food even to the point of your entertainment involving food and restaurants. I know you’re not supposed to hate but sometimes I can’t stand food so I eat it like it’s garbage and thus my subsistence on cookies and tea.

Now at age 40 (a month in, help), I’m waiting for a call back from my gynecologist’s office to schedule a laparoscopy to remove this wretched cyst. I’ve left two messages and wondered where I went wrong in managing my endo. How did this reoccurrence happen? Of course my 8th house Pluto will probe into the why and nature of this but I’ve also come to a point in life where I’ve stopped asking why for too long. I think part of the unfathomable power and meaning of what Pluto brings is an understanding that it directs you, you can’t direct it. You have to work with its’ power, learning when to activate it and when to hold back, or just be with it for some time. Power is not just yang it’s yin. You have to harness and let Pluto take its’ course.

You do shed tears (shocking, how did those tears come out of me) feeling that you’re not an Empress yet, one who is abundant, healthy and elated. You always envision yourself having a ‘clean 2nd chakra’ and being a total Goddess, Queen or Princess. Actually I can’t stand that and any guy who calls you that has some serious derangement issues. But then you accept that even though you feel like a Queen on some level and look good wearing your Indian outfits, matching jewelry and decent make up, you see blood everywhere, underneath your dress and in the perimeters around you, at gatherings, meetings, all around the house. You feel beautiful but it’s a marred beauty. Something is never whole.

I guess you can’t keep complaining if you’ve come to a point not liking the results and complaining about how things should be ‘better,’ ‘cleaner,’ and ‘healed.’ Because what’s in front of you regardless of how you perceive it is Healing. These heavy rocks in my 2nd chakra are part of my Pluto path and it’s all necessary. It’s my pattern, my power and powerlessness, and if Lord Shiva wants to smash my ego into smithereens with harsh waters to get to the next pattern so be it. There is cataclysmic change and destruction, at least that’s how we as humans have defined it.

Pluto is the Soul and the Evolution. Transformation, regeneration and power dynamics are the themes and as ruler of Scorpio, it guides the understanding of your psyche and the nature of growth. Pluto is also the Unconscious desires we have yet to manifest and exhaust.

My shocking experience in law school thrust me into a different and unexpected path in life, a path I’m still years later coming to terms with. Instead of becoming a 9 to 9 lawyer with a controlled uterus who does her dance stuff on weekends, I became a conflict resolution professional, astrologer and educational something who plunged into spirituality, psychosomatic healing and trauma work within a wild schedule and with one too many naps over the years. And performed and arranged dance events with fellow artists in artsy-fartsy Pittsburgh. Basically, I am poor, waking up to panic and dark moments after my naps over my slim winnings, having had to move home to build this dream. WHAT?!?!

The force of Pluto makes you do things you would have never consciously chosen. The conflict and inertia it creates can be completely unbearable at times. I am in no way anti-establishment or any path that can help assist the female body or life. To each their own. But I am constantly scared into choosing what I view as an authentic life even when I don’t want to for fear of something worse at times, choosing an ‘alternative path’ that feeds both my mind and body wellness. How much scaring into submission can one take? That is a choice for every Soul to make.

And through all of this, you learn compassion and love for others and yourself because you know what it’s like to be almost completely submerged under heavy furniture and threatened by the various metals surrounding our existence. This is not easy whatsoever. As Jupiter transits Pisces in 2022, I hope my sense of compassion deepens and that I can feel further Surrender into Love and Oneness. And I hope that whatever it is the Divine wants to Create through me and my Ovary, I come into further Acceptance and Joy.

~ Love and Peace ~

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