Astrology

My Taurus Tea Collection

Anjali Soi Astrology , , ,

Mercury retrograde 24° – 8° Capricorn: Dec 29, 2022 – Jan 18, 2023

Full Moon Lunar Eclipse 16° Taurus: Nov 2022

2nd to the last round of Pluto at 27° Capricorn (pounding my south node and the US Pluto)

Uranus in Taurus square Saturn in Aquarius: ends mid-March 2023

Endo update (sorry I can’t help but talk about this):

Near the end of 2022, I had a four hour surgery conducted by my new gynecologist/specialist at Magee to remove deep infiltrating endometriosis from areas never accessed before. Before the surgery, Dr. Ted Lee kind of wanted me to get a total hysterectomy. I guess he wasn’t too impressed with my MRI results and said ‘keeping your uterus is not going to prevent the growths from coming back.’ But I wanted to keep my uterus. I have been on this journey for too long and didn’t come this far to finally give in and give it up. So he left it alone and cleaned me up.

I really like Dr. Lee, he spends as much time as you need with him, has thorough conversations with you answering your questions and as another doctor put it is ‘the best endo surgeon on the east coast especially when it comes to nerve involvement.’ He was surprised how I was able to even find him in his little office at the bottom corner of the hospital. After the surgery, he talked with my family in the waiting room and expressed how happy he was with the procedure. The uterus wasn’t as bad as he thought and made some room for my remaining ovary to breathe. He told them that I should now find a nice Indian boy, get married and if I wanted have a kid. I’m thinking ‘you just had to unfuse my uterus from my rectum, do you really think I want to marry an Indian guy?’ Since he is Taiwanese, of course he’s going to say these things.

My first gynecologist passed away a couple of weeks ago. I was deeply saddened to learn that the doctor who helped my mother and I for so many years and who was always a shoulder for her to cry on was instantly gone. I no longer have the comfort of knowing that a few days of the month he is working just a five minute walk away. RIP Dr. James Duggan. My family will always be immensely grateful for your kind service to my family and the community. We will turn everything we’ve been through to help others however we can through your example. It feels like the grief just doesn’t end.

I lost the ability to have periods last year because I was put on progestin. I feel better on it and wish I had this option YEARS ago. My whole life has been a journey through the 12th century mired by themes of the dark ages in between. The general flow of living has put me in a state of severe repression and restriction. Where does one go? Especially without much money? If I didn’t have a mother who has empathy and compassion, what would I do? I would be left bleeding at the side of the road the way a couple Americans have talked with me.

In any case, I have had to come to terms with feeling like I’ve become a man, yet again, by not having periods. But that’s the only way I can function right now. I know many women are grateful for this option but I have trouble accepting it probably because I have five planets in Libra (ruler of ovaries and kidneys, Venus). I am deeply attached. In Hindi, you call your mother’s sister, Maasee or Maasi. My sweet one-year old nephew couldn’t say the ‘ee’ sound a couple times so he called me Maasaa, which is what you call your uncle. An indication that I’m on the undesired but right path. That’s okay, I don’t have a problem being the male version for him but somehow the nightmare that I would one day turn into a full-fledged male is coming true. Now when he wants to show me how he goes down the slide at the playground he says ‘Maasee!’ and goes running. My heart just soars.

I am deepening my journey in alternative health to learn what can prevent or slow future growths. Along with the therapeutic massages, craniosacral treatments, acupuncture, tons of supplements and my tea collection (which doesn’t help with pain but can help a bad mood), the bank balance quickly diminishes. And all while this blinding light I keep annoyingly seeing everywhere keeps following me.

Fuck this shit. What is a person supposed to say at the end of the day.

Astrology Book Launch Party!

Anjali Soi Astrology ,

Celebrate the launch of Anjali’s new astrology coloring book, Poetic Meditations for the Astrological Journey: Adult Coloring Book. Enjoy Indian snacks as you take a look at the book, a great holiday gift for yourself or loved one!

Open to everyone. Tell your friends! Parking in the garage next to the hotel is free for up to three hours.

About the book: You are invited to color images that express the symbolism of the zodiac signs and show narratives in astrology-themed poetry. Whether you are a beginner to astrology or an advanced learner, this coloring book can be a meditative and fun activity that helps you explore and find meaning in the signs.

Poetic Meditations for the Astrological Journey: Adult Coloring Book coming soon!

Anjali Soi Astrology , , , ,

I am so excited for this book coming out real soon! I’ve added beautiful images by my incredibly talented friend and artist, Rigel Richardson, that you can color as you learn and reflect on all the signs of the zodiac.

Not to be missed! Stay tuned for its’ release.

My Rite Aid list

Anjali Soi Astrology , , , ,

We all know what time it is! The Rite Aid pharmacy is one of my favorite places. I only prefer Rite Aid and not the other ones. When I go there, I feel a sense of safety and relief like someone really cares about my well-being. Here is my receipt from a recent trip:

1 RA Epsom salt (they ran out of Dr. Teal’s!) – $5.69

1 Conair 51100VLV brush – $6.09

1 Eucerin Advance Replenish lotion – $11.49

1 Hello toothpaste antiplaque whitening – $5.79

1 Boiron arnicare gel 2.6 oz – $11.29

1 Natrol melatanonin FSTDS (a new experiment)** – $12.49

1 Reese’s peanut butter cup 1.5oz (I normally don’t eat peanuts but once in a while life is too rough to deal with so I enjoy Reese’s) – .88

1 Kidcents contribution (I don’t know how this happened and now every time I buy something I contribute) – .13

subtract $1.75 Eucerin coupon and $6.00 coupon (spend $40 get $6 off)

and the total comes to $47.00 including tax

** this turned out to be a no-no as per acudoc’s orders oops

Unfortunately, I no longer get an additional 10% discount which I enjoyed for quite some time (hence the coupon) but I will continue to support Rite Aid because they gave me 20% off for a long time too!

As I was sitting in Panera maybe like a year or so ago, I had the unfortunate opportunity of having to listen to a tirade by a barista, who I’ve known for quite some time. For a while, we were incredibly friendly with each other, enjoying nice conversations here and there as he came up to my table while I was working.

But then one day he noticed an evolutionary astrology book sitting next to my laptop and stared at it with his nose as if it was a weird looking rat of some sort. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it but the next time I saw him, I learned he was an anti-Darwinist and mentioned something about human life beginning 5,000 years ago. Our interactions thereon became tense with him just nodding at me if I said hi. I don’t think he liked the look on my face either.

On another visit, I was stopped by him as he helped me with my trash and suddenly began ranting about how China is forcing abortions with their child limit policies and how Hinduism is not a nature based religion, making some point around the need for naturalism? and listening to the mental and emotional needs of a person, the whole person. I spoke up here and said no, you are misinformed. Hinduism is very nature based but was interrupted as he went on and on about this and that and expressed how he was going to get in trouble for ranting on and on but he couldn’t help himself. He just couldn’t shut up and I was trying to practice Silence. I listened too long as usual and eventually excused myself..

I hope my money at Rite Aid is not supporting anti-evolutionaries. Am I hoping this because RA and Panera are located so near each other? Is it because two objects sitting next to each other may have a connection? What?!

We still have an awkward relationship filled with empty stares and silences.

Is this why I am always afraid to go to the dentist? And the eye doctor at times? How many more Sally Hansen face wax strips must I buy!

Last month while at Rite Aid, ‘You Gotta Be’ by Des’ree started playing and I kid you not, I started tearing up. The same song I’ve heard before at RA and every time it just gives me that strength I need.

Yea Hunan Kitchen!

Reflections on Neptune and Saturn Retrogrades: I have had enough

Anjali Soi Astrology , , ,

Neptune retrograde 25° – 22° Pisces: June 28 – Dec 3, 2022

Saturn Retrograde 25° – 18° Aquarius: June 4 – Oct 23, 2022

Uranus in Taurus: feels like forever

When I was seven, eight or nine, I can’t remember which trip it was, my family and I, with my uncle, aunt, cousin and grandma traveled to two holy places in India, where the Goddess is deeply worshipped. The trips were amazing. I have never felt such abundance. We completed our prayers, felt many memorable scenes and then made the long drive back home.

As it goes with being a young kid, you end up having a little too much fun because you feel like it. On the way back, my cousin, sister and I decided to yell at and scare people out the car window as we drove past them. Not sure exactly what prompted this but the feeling of freedom overtook us as our driver drove through the gorgeous sunlight that day. All the kids were in one van with Nani and the rest of the adults were in the other van.

Despite Nani’s protests, I remember yelling at one newlywed couple stuck at the side of the road trying to fix their scooter to watch out for the snake (saap!) behind them. A few people lost control of their bikes. But we complimented one girl on her beautiful buffaloes in the distance. In the light, their almost black coats looked other-wordly.

Needless to say, we ended up having not one but two flat tires. After the first flat, the parents asked us to stop in a nice manner for fear of universal retribution. The second flat tire is what truly made us stop because that was a difficult one to fix and we kids believed our work was truly done. As everyone lazily lounged back with their fantas waiting for the tire to be fixed, I couldn’t help but take in the breathtaking view of a girl across the street tending to her sea of goats in a large field under a serene afternoon into the sunset. That scene has been in the back of my mind forever.

This memory is so vivid in my being right now. Neptune’s Pisces retrograde must be taking me back to a special spiritual moment as I also view how I might have terrorized others as a seven year old (Aquarius). Recently, I found a deep pain in my lower left side has not gone away even after my procedure a few months ago. It has been brutal. I haven’t been able to sit in a chair. Most of my work is done on the sofa with my leg up, random other places around the house (I assure you I’m working) or the Panera cushion I can tolerate at times.

Something in me a few months ago told me to see an endometriosis specialist, a type of person I possibly saw in a google search and/or mentioned in the comments of an endometriosis support group on Facebook I look to at times for connection and then mentioned later on by a doctor in my doctor’s office in a moment of intense throbbing, twisting pain. Thankfully I had already made the appointment before this moment and I waited five and half months to see a specialist at Magee, who confirmed my suspicions. It is likely I have endometrial growths in deeper areas of my pelvis. I will need a procedure that removes them via excision instead of ablation. We will confirm with a different type of pelvic MRI where my vajayjay will be injected with gel (God help me).

I am relieved but devastated. I am always devastated. Everything comes back to me – the missed opportunities, fun and moments I could have had without this wretched disorder. And the simultaneous weighing against what others don’t have and how lucky I am with ‘all the support I could possibly need.’ It’s hard to feel grateful.

There are many women who don’t have their own bathrooms in this world and/or menstrual products. How many times growing up did I waste so much water sitting in the shower hoping the hot temperature would help soothe my pain? How many times have I gone over not being able to work at a conventional place of work where I could have had some more experience and money only to be treated like a second class citizen because I needed a five minute break? I still question whether I belong there.

How many times have I evaluated when and when not I will have the ability to physically do something, anything, only to have my evaluations proven wrong? And dealing with the endless insensitive comments of others, whether they mean it or not, which they often don’t. At the end of the day, as I sit in my comfortable bed with a cup of tea, the thing that has kept me going is gratitude for that darn old bathroom.

What I would do for the eternal joy of being a seven year old under a brilliant sun riding in that car again free of pain, only God knows. What is surprising to me is how I’m unfortunately thinking about the insensitive and turd-like mannerisms of some white people at this moment. Why is this beautiful memory tarnished with this reality? Why am I writing about it in the same post? I’m having trouble synthesizing what is real from what is unreal and find myself saying over and again in my mind throughout the day: UNREAL.

I just had a woman in her late forties whitesplain and appropriate to me about a creative project. In such a crass way. And I hired her! Forget about professionalism, it seems there is some level of ‘informality’ that can be accessed which I can’t imagine occurring with brown people. And I have dealt with a lot of brown people. And what is it that makes an old white, crusty mediator who has had a career and wants you to be a part of his dying career literally say: “you’re family must be so frustrated with you” as he manipulates you to join his ‘firm’ during covid. I don’t want to be a part of your stupid ‘firm’!

As if the other American bullshit isn’t enough to deal with, I remember years ago, this wretched white guy whose kid I tutored asked me to now tutor his niece. After reading my contract (or so they said it was read), which requires payment upfront, the parent did not bring payment to the first session. I then calmly explain in a sentence why I cannot tutor (and his son forgot to bring payment more than once before) and quietly walk away. I was then barraged with voicemails and emails with him calling me a c*** saying I need psychological help. And the contact (white woman! who owns an educational company!) who referred this turd to me, after he complains to the contact, emails me and says ‘I’m not surprised by his complaints.’ She never met me in person and I hardly spoke with her ever.

I’ve seen my mother deal with many Indian people in the course of her business. It sucks seeing people “bargain” with your mother for twenty dollars when they own half a million to million dollar homes. But hey, it doesn’t suck as bad as a thieving ‘mediator’ and being called the c word. This is hate.

It seems to me that whatever that level of informality is or pattern is, it exists. I feel we need to know within ourselves the type of communication and interaction appropriate for each one of us, asserting it with boundaries (Taurus) and endings while watching for the red flags. We must know our limits (Saturn).

You know, some of us don’t walk around calculating how we’re going to behave and what we’re going to say in this world. I don’t think as I interact with the world everyday ‘okay I’m interacting as a woman so this is what I will or will not say.’ I just think and behave naturally. When I’m triggered, a mix of responses come up. Should we constantly be triggered and our minds and bodies under constant duress and stress where we have to be mindful of how we respond to this? The world’s behavior, as one psychology professor put it, ‘has become so very weird.’

Unreal..

  • The update (Aug 2022) is I have DIE (deep infiltrating endometriosis) which happens often with those with stage IV endo and adenomyosis, all of which has never been addressed since I was a teenager. I’m so glad to have confirmed that I own death. And other great stuff like hydrosalpinx aka pixy stix. I wish the system worked in a way so I could have had the excision laparascopy option years ago, which is fortunately minimally invasive.

Learn the zodiac signs with my new book, Poetic Meditations for the Evolutionary Journey

Anjali Soi Astrology , , , ,

My new book, Poetic Meditations for the Evolutionary Journey, is now available on Amazon 🌟 It’s full of meditations and poetry that express the energy of each zodiac sign. A great learning or meditative tool. Kindle Ebook version also available.

“This book provides meditations and poetry to help you understand the meaning of all twelve signs of the zodiac beginning from Aries to Pisces. Evolutionary Astrology believes that each sign represents a certain aspect of the human life and psyche on the earth plane. The sign is a sub-journey of the entire human journey through the whole of consciousness represented by the twelve signs.”

Reflections on Venus Retrograde in Capricorn:

Anjali Soi Astrology ,

Venus Retrograde: 25° – 11° Capricorn, Dec 19 – Jan 29 2022

Capricorn, ruled by Saturn, is a yin, earth sign. At first, it appears yang to a lot of people but it’s actually yin, which makes you think that the sign has been distorted or appropriated to some extent. It has lost some of its dark, slow, earthy, downward-seeking nature and instead, has become so associated with what is harsh, hard, structural and upward-seeking, all yang aspects.

Ruler of the 10th house of career, status, authority and rules, Capricorn has taken on some contexts and meanings attributed to it through patriarchal distortion in my humble opinion. Saturn represents your time and space reality, your orientation and understanding of your three-dimensional world based on your house and sign location in your natal chart. And depending on how Saturn currently transits and what planet(s) transit Capricorn, we can understand how our time and space orientation will personally and collectively be affected.

There are so many things a Venus in Capricorn transit reminds me of, especially one that is retrograde within Capricorn, i.e. systems, structures and limits. One can harshly feel the head-butting between the two. How can Venus, as ruler of Libra, representing harmony, balance and justice, possibly achieve its’ aims here?

I recently had my ovary and fallopian tube taken out. My gynecologist removed them and the endometrial growths in my pelvic area. He said it was really bad and had the medical students watching my procedure reiterate the same while I was still in a daze of anesthesia in the hospital. As I left and sat in the car, I could see my father’s eyes were slightly watery and worried. And relieved. In the big scheme of things, losing an ovary and tube is not a big deal. Countless others have lost worse. I can still function (to a certain point) but there’s grief (Capricorn) around it.

I love my doctor. He’s semi-retired and white and I actually wouldn’t trade him for a woman. He is kind, sensitive and gives a big hug. I am lucky in this respect.

I remember one summer in India as a teenager, I was staying with my aunt, Nani and same-aged cousin who I had stayed with before many times but this time my mother had gone to the south on a business trip. She left us for two weeks and I was so happy. Afternoons spent inside the house apart from the outside heat playing Contra and Tetris for hours on end obsessively trying to get to the next level and having all sorts of fun with my cousin and sister was the best time of my life.

Something was nagging at me that summer. I don’t know whether it was the normal angst of a 13 year old but I was feeling limited. I felt frustrated and unfortunately decided to test those limits one careless afternoon against my better judgment. This is an infamous story in the family.

One afternoon, I went to the backyard and walked up to my cousin’s bike, which always lay against the wall at an angle. I had learned from him how to step on the seat and climb up the wall and walk on it like a trapeze but this time I grabbed the bike, wheeled it through the house quickly, and started biking my way onto the street and around the sector. I cycled fast so no one I knew would catch me. This was the first time I was by myself without anyone I knew by my side outside of the house in India (at least on this bike).

It was exhilarating. There was no mom to tell you what to do or what the rules were, no uncles to tell you how far you couldn’t go, no plans or trips or familiar eyes looking at you for whatever reason. It was just me, the bike and the road. I told myself as I started riding that I was going to ride all over the city, through so many sectors, and then boast about it later on.

Although everything looked familiar, I had trouble getting out of the sector we lived in due to nervousness being on the main road, like the really main road, and lack of know-how. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to go around the entire city in just a couple hours. That’s how long I was gone without telling anyone. As I looked at the familiar signs, buildings and people going about their daily business, I felt one with it all but was also terribly focused on controlling the bike. I didn’t want to fall or hit anything. Sadly one of these things occurred.

I ran into a little boy, something I feel guilty about to this day. I was stupidly staring at a temple to the right, my eyes away from the road, and hit his leg. I insisted that I take him to the doctor but he insisted that he was not hurt.

I also had a nineteen year old celebrity look alike who lived down the street and who supposedly was an aspiring actor stalk me. In India, guys do really weird things like stare at you with their friends behind bushes while you’re walking down the street. Or send recorded music on tapes to you through their middle man. It’s frightening and hilarious at the same time. So on this excursion, this guy found me me cycling on the road despite my inner hope that I would not come across him.

On a residential street I was not often on, I felt headbutted as he rode up unexpectedly asking me what my name was. I was scared to give my real name so I came up with ‘Seema,’ a common name. Any coincidence that Carrie’s new Indian friend on ‘And Just Like That’ right now is also Seema? Yes actually that is probably a coincidence.

Needless to say, my family was not happy with me. My cousin was infuriated I took his bike and worried him and received angry talks from my aunt and mother on the phone. My grandmother was not happy but she was generous. Why did I do that?! A teenager on the loose and in a country she doesn’t know that well. Smh.

Was it only the year before that I had failed a sex-ed test because I would do my math homework during class and not listen to the lectures? I didn’t care to know the technical definitions involving the nether regions. I just knew that I had to finish the math homework before it was due. Thankfully I got to retake the test. Why is that we are only allowed to retake sex-ed tests? And of course there was dissatisfaction learning about Alexander the Great and my increasing fear of cactus plants. I couldn’t help but be aware on some level that I was a female, even if just thirteen. My Venusian brain wanted to test the limits that summer, some authority, some rule, as a human and a female. She didn’t think twice about it, her hormones led her on.

And disturbing thoughts come up in the present day, 27 years later. Equality takes on a different nature. Maybe a testicle should be taken out in exchange for an ovary? And crushed in a lemon juicer so the pain felt is equal. Maybe this is what systemic equality should look like. I would like to know how many testicles are currently being taken out worldwide cause I assure you a hell of a lot more ovaries are taken out. Let us somehow harmonize this necessity.

I shed a lot of tears these last couple months but probably not as much as a true Cancerian heart would. The sheer anger and depression, felt so physically, is enough to have wanted me to kill something. My saving grace in life is a psyche oriented around art I guess otherwise I’d be addicted to painkillers. I have no judgment against addicts because they are me and they are my mother, who had her hysterectomy years ago. My fond memory around that is sitting in the hospital cafeteria and basically having a Thanksgiving dinner. Boy was that delicious.

Related post: The Little Ovary That Could

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Velvet Evenings: A Poetry Collection

Anjali Soi Astrology

Really excited to have self-published my first poetry book entitled “Velvet Evenings” on Amazon. Get your copy this holiday season ♥️

“This collection explores what we uncover when we get in touch with the dark and light aspects of the feminine, love and chaos. Delve into dark emotions, inspiration and stillness and probe into the mystery of experience with eventual acceptance. I invite you to take this journey with me full of passion, despair and yet Joy.”

~ Happy Holidays!✨ 🌠 ~

Venus Rx in Capricorn and the Taurus/Scorpio eclipse cycle – What will it bring?

Anjali Soi Astrology

Venus Retrograde – 25° – 11° Capricorn, Dec 19 – Jan 29, 2022
Lunar Eclipse 27° Taurus – November 19, 2021, Solar Eclipse 10° Taurus – April 30, 2022, Lunar Eclipse 25° Scorpio – May 16, 2022
Solar Eclipse 2° Scorpio – Oct 25, 2022, Lunar Eclipse 16° Taurus – Nov 8, 2022

Recently, my dad and I went over to a close family friend’s house for Thanksgiving. Our friends have a daughter who is basically like my cousin. We have loved cuddling all our lives and talking about Netflix. There was just one other family invited whom I didn’t know very well – a very nice auntie who had to leave early cause she had to work, uncle and son. But it turned out that even with very few people, it was a very entertaining evening.

We started off the evening with pleasant conversation, delicious snacks and champagne. The three ‘kids’ played games beginning with cards while the parents sang Hindi karaoke songs, loud and clear. We played Rumi and Texas hold ‘em poker. First off, I can’t stand it when people bully you by betting abnormously high in the beginning (and I was forewarned by the uncle who pleasantly boasted about his son’s constant winning streak in life. He honestly was very nice to talk to, exuding warmth, smiliness and gratitude). Well guess what, I’m just gonna end up taking my money back, its equivalent from you and generally end up with more. And then everyone has to quit the game because it’s time to eat. Muaaahhahhhahhahhha.

We moved on to Scattergories for a short period of time because we couldn’t use our brains due to food coma. How are you supposed to come up with food items starting with ‘W’ or ‘D’? Very difficult. We then of course moved on to Monopoly. I have not played this game in so long and enjoyed being the laptop who got to traverse the board numerous times due to rolling doubles a lot and acquiring properties, even ones I didn’t want but ended up buying anyway cause I landed on them repeatedly. I enjoyed collecting small amounts of rent, but not as much as my cousin collected due to her numerous properties, and from guess who, from the beloved son who only had two of them AND it turns out, the uncle, who I realized was also playing.

I thought he was singing with the others but suddenly how many spaces we all had moved in relation to the dice was being thoroughly checked by him. His face turned very serious when his son handed $120 over to me, and respectfully so, because I owned the Electric Company and the other utility. They repeatedly landed on Chance and contributed to Free Parking. I was also laughed at by guess who because I needed change and suggested exchanging a 50 in the parking for some change from the bank. Somehow we aren’t allowed to do that. He kept laughing and looking at me and I quietly questioned in my head yet again how I end up in these situations. I just smiled at the other player, sharing in the understanding of this totally absurd moment.

Needless to say, I should have expected an Indian uncle whose family is in the top 1% highest income category in the United States to be incredibly and visibly upset that his son had little money and not enough properties. If it was ten years ago, I would have been really irked by this team offering to buy one of my properties for $200 when I just bought it for $180. Really how much work must you be really doing in life and how hungry could you possibly think I am that I would just want a $20 ‘profit’ from this exchange. Sometimes those with more just don’t understand the correct exchanges. I counteroffered by saying he could buy it from me for a $1000 and for the other player it would be $600. The suggestion was also enthusiastically made to do a trade with the other player and collect rents, but it reeked of money laundering and I went into shock.

After having our necks breathed down on and only a couple glasses of alcohol because you’re around family, it was time for the game to end and certain people to leave. What was once a warm, smiley uncle turned into a low energy and concerned one but who left amicably and who we nevertheless had compassion for. Even being annoyed, I was unable to control my inner laughter, sending emojis and texts to my cousin afterwards. We wanted to send him sore loser gifs like ‘Don’t be Upsetti, Eat Some Spaghetti’ and that handsome black guy doing a crying face.

This is how the Universe works. It brings scenes into the grand play of your life of what’s about to unfold and what will come up. A lot of people will be excited.

~ Happy Holidays ~

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The Little Ovary That Could

Anjali Soi Astrology

I recently had an ultrasound (I’m not pregnant and I will not be going that route in this life as it’s not an interest. It’s a vaginal ultrasound – a long wand with a magical light at the end of it is stuck into your vagina. At the end of it you want a hot chocolate from Starbucks and some self-cuddling on the couch under a blankie), which shows a big endometrial cyst, also known as a chocolate cyst or endometrioma, on my ovary which needs to be removed asap.

I have endometriosis, which is where the blood in the uterine lining grows abnormally as cysts or lesions outside of the uterus in your pelvic region and less commonly in other areas of the body. I also have two smaller chocolate cysts (delicious, I know), at least what can be seen in the ultrasound, and small uterine fibroids. It makes sense now with the wretched discomfort the last couple of years. 

Having endometriosis is extremely painful and burdensome – it’s a state in which you have to be as still as possible, otherwise, the precise corner of a heavy wooden dresser weighing down on you will finally cave into your ovary and crush it into nonexistence. Or the insanely precise edge of a metal bar will do the same. You learn to develop a heightened awareness and a stillness and drudgingly accept for the moment that your desires and wishes in life will somehow and hopefully manifest. 

I’ve had routine ultrasounds to monitor this current cyst, which has to be monitored like a bomb about to detonate but this last examination showed it grew dramatically within a couple months. Years, or a lifetime, ago and ten days before my 23rd birthday, I had a large ovarian cyst which had to be removed immediately for fear of it bursting or having internal bleeding, etc. I was told I would likely lose my ovary and was in emergency (invasive) surgery the morning after seeing my doctor. Fortunately the ovary was saved. I took the semester off from law school due to a three month recovery and plowed through the last year and a half of school on birth control to ‘graduate on time’ and not incur additional costs I guess. The pill doesn’t work.

Needless to say along with the other horrors of life, my 20s were awful but thankfully and haphazardly found acupuncture to help with pain relief and other crippling symptoms like constant dizziness, vertigo, leg pain and numbness (do I even have legs?) and difficulty breathing/heaviness among numerous others. I found much relief and healing through it and Chinese herbs, going off pain medications like Naproxen, Vioxx, and tons of Advil – gotta have my m&ms and there is just little relief. I’ve seen my mother take so many prescription pain meds and some women are even on oxycodone. I have spent over $15,000 just on acupuncture out of my pocket because insurance doesn’t cover it in Western PA and it’s just cheaper even without insurance.

Acu helped with feeling like I had some method to help me and with not having to go through lots of procedures/laparoscopies. My perspective is that with the pain relief provided through acu, maybe we can avoid multiple procedures. I did have one six years ago to remove an ovarian polyp. Plop plop, fiss fiss, oh what a relief it is. The exhaustion never leaves you though. 

For many of us, covid has been a trying time. I felt something major was about to happen and went into observation mode with acceptance, providing astrological explanation to those looking for answers. But then I noticed the precise corner of that metal bar grinding into my lower back and spine, a pain getting worse. And even as I knew that the Pluto-Saturn conjunction of January 2020 heralded covid as well as other changes to come, I had trouble coming to terms with its conjunction to five degrees of my 12th house Capricorn south node, simultaneously squaring my Pluto-Libra stellium. Balance issues including around my health were coming on.

I was unable to see my acupuncturist for six months of 2020 and had minor and major bleeding for two months straight. Having these treatments taken away for half a year when it helped me function for over eleven years was brutal. Thanks a lot, communist China. The number of pads you go through numbs your mind and senses. I was so exhausted and felt like I had been whacked with that stupid metal bar over and over again. It took me over a year to get somewhat back on track with another month of terrifying bleeding in between, the type where you feel like you are going to die and have made peace with it all and friendship with loved ones. I am the eternally leaking faucet.

With endometriosis, there are so many moments you numbingly wonder why you exist and what you’re supposed to do with your Saturnian time-space reality. You want to barf all the time and hate food. I just want to go to the mountains somewhere, preferably the Himalayas and sleep, do Yoga Nidra and drink tea for all of time. Good god how much can life revolve around food even to the point of your entertainment involving food and restaurants. I know you’re not supposed to hate but sometimes I can’t stand food so I eat it like it’s garbage and thus my subsistence on cookies and tea.

Now at age 40, I’m waiting for a call back from my gynecologist’s office to schedule a laparoscopy to remove this wretched cyst. I’ve left two messages and wondered where I went wrong. Of course my 8th house Pluto will probe into the why of this but I’ve also come to a point where I’ve stopped asking why for too long. I think part of the unfathomable power and meaning of what Pluto brings is an understanding that it directs you, you can’t direct it. You have to work with its’ power, learning when to activate it and when to hold back, or just be with it for some time. Power is not just yang it’s yin. You have to harness and let Pluto take its’ course.

You shed tears feeling that you’re not an Empress yet, one who is abundant, healthy and elated. You had always envisioned yourself having a ‘clean 2nd chakra’ and being a total Goddess or Queen. But then you accept that even though you feel like a Queen on some level and look good wearing your Indian outfits, matching jewelry and decent make up, you see blood everywhere, underneath your dress and in the perimeters around you, at gatherings, meetings, all around the house. You feel beautiful but it’s marred. Something is never whole.

I guess you can’t keep complaining if you’ve come to a point not liking the results about how things should be ‘better,’ ‘cleaner,’ and ‘healed.’ Because what’s in front of you regardless of how you perceive it is Healing. These heavy rocks in my 2nd chakra are part of my Pluto path and they’re necessary. They’re my pattern, my power and powerlessness, and if Lord Shiva wants to take me on this journey with these harsh waters so be it. There is cataclysmic change and destruction, at least that’s how we humans have defined it. Pluto is the Soul and Evolution. Transformation, regeneration and power dynamics are the themes and as ruler of Scorpio, guides the understanding of your psyche and the nature of growth.

I feel the Divine has gifted me with Pluto power as I learn the journey of healing through death and rebirth, realizing it’s all a part of my destiny. As horrific as this disease is, rendering you an invalid for months at a time, if not a week or more per month during your period years (well over three decades), I am grateful for it all. If it wasn’t for this disease, I would not have been introduced to balance (8th house Libra stellium), self-nurture and care (Cancer north node in the 6th) and learning what my needs are (Taurus Moon conjunct Chiron).

My shocking experience in law school thrust me into an unexpected path, one I’m still coming to terms with years later. Instead of becoming a lawyer with an absent uterus who does her dance stuff on weekends, I became a conflict resolution professional, astrologer and educational something who plunged into psychosomatic healing and trauma work all within a wild schedule and with one too many naps over the years while arranging dance events with fellow artists in Pittsburgh. Basically, I am poor, waking up to panic and dark moments after my naps over my slim winnings, having had to move home to build a dream, or a plan. WHAT?!

The force of Pluto makes you do things you would have never consciously chosen. The conflict and inertia created is unbearable at times. I am in no way anti-establishment or any path that can help assist the female body or life. To each their own. But I am constantly scared into choosing what I view as an authentic life even when I don’t want to for fear of maybe something worse, choosing an ‘alternative path’ that feeds my wellness. How much scaring into submission can one take? That is a choice for every Soul to make.

Through all of this, you learn compassion for others and yourself because you know what it’s like to be completely submerged under heavy furniture and threatened by the various metals surrounding our existence. This is not easy whatsoever. As Jupiter transits Pisces in 2022, I hope my sense of compassion deepens and that I can feel further Surrender. I hope that whatever it is the Divine wants to Create through me and my Ovary, I come into further Acceptance and Joy.

~ Love and Peace ~

For more about endo, visit: https://www.endofound.org/endometriosis

To donate menstrual products to those in need, visit: https://www.endofound.org/periodnow

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