endometriosis

My Taurus Tea Collection

Anjali Soi Astrology , , , , , ,

Mercury retrograde 24° – 8° Capricorn: Dec 29, 2022 – Jan 18, 2023

Full Moon Lunar Eclipse 16° Taurus: Nov 2022

2nd to the last round of Pluto at 27° Capricorn (pounding my south node and the US Pluto)

Uranus in Taurus square Saturn in Aquarius: ends mid-March 2023

Endo update (sorry I can’t help but talk about this):

Near the end of 2022, I had a four hour surgery conducted by my new gynecologist/specialist at Magee to remove deep infiltrating endometriosis from areas never accessed before. Before the surgery, Dr. Ted Lee kind of wanted me to get a total hysterectomy. I guess he wasn’t too impressed with my MRI results and said ‘keeping your uterus is not going to prevent the growths from coming back.’ But I wanted to keep my uterus. I have been on this journey for too long and didn’t come this far to finally give in and give it up. So he left it alone and cleaned me up.

I really like Dr. Lee, he spends as much time as you need with him, has thorough conversations with you answering your questions and as another doctor put it is ‘the best endo surgeon on the east coast especially when it comes to nerve involvement.’ He was surprised how I was able to even find him in his little office at the bottom corner of the hospital. After the surgery, he talked with my family in the waiting room and expressed how happy he was with the procedure. The uterus wasn’t as bad as he thought and made some room for my remaining ovary to breathe. He told them that I should now find a nice Indian boy, get married and if I wanted have a kid. I thought ‘you just had to unfuse my uterus from my rectum, do you really think I want to marry an Indian guy?’ Since he is Taiwanese, of course he’s going to say these things.

My first gynecologist passed away a couple of weeks ago. I was deeply saddened to learn that the doctor who helped my mother and I for so many years and who was always a shoulder for her to cry on was instantly gone. I no longer have the comfort of knowing that a few days of the month he is working just a five minute walk away. RIP Dr. James Duggan. My family will always be immensely grateful for your kind service to my family and the community. We will turn everything we’ve been through to help others however we can through your example. It feels like the grief just doesn’t end.

I lost the ability to have periods last year because I was put on progestin. I feel better on it and wish I had this option YEARS ago. My whole life has been a journey through the 12th century mired by themes of the dark ages in between. The general flow of living has put me in a state of severe repression and restriction. Where does one go? Especially without much money? If I didn’t have a mother who has empathy and compassion, what would I do? I would be left bleeding at the side of the road the way a couple Americans have talked with me.

In any case, I have had to come to terms with feeling like I’ve become a man, yet again, by not having periods. But that’s the only way I can function right now. I know many women are grateful for this option but I have trouble accepting it probably because I have five planets in Libra (ruler of ovaries and kidneys, Venus). I am deeply attached. In Hindi, you call your mother’s sister, Maasee or Maasi. My sweet one-year old nephew couldn’t say the ‘ee’ sound a couple times so he called me Maasaa, which is what you call your uncle. An indication that I’m on the undesired but right path. That’s okay, I don’t have a problem being the male version for him but somehow the nightmare that I would one day turn into a full-fledged male is coming true. Now when he wants to show me how he goes down the slide at the playground he says ‘Maasee!’ and goes running. My heart just soars.

I am deepening my journey in alternative health to learn what can prevent or slow future growths. Along with the therapeutic massages, craniosacral treatments, acupuncture, tons of supplements and my tea collection (which doesn’t help with pain but can help a bad mood), the bank balance quickly diminishes. And all while this blinding light I keep annoyingly seeing everywhere keeps following me.

Fuck this shit. What is a person supposed to say at the end of the day.

My Rite Aid list

Anjali Soi Astrology , , , ,

We all know what time it is! The Rite Aid pharmacy is one of my favorite places. I only prefer Rite Aid and not the other ones. When I go there, I feel a sense of safety and relief like someone really cares about my well-being. Here is my receipt from a recent trip:

1 RA Epsom salt (they ran out of Dr. Teal’s!) – $5.69

1 Conair 51100VLV brush – $6.09

1 Eucerin Advance Replenish lotion – $11.49

1 Hello toothpaste antiplaque whitening – $5.79

1 Boiron arnicare gel 2.6 oz – $11.29

1 Natrol melatanonin FSTDS (a new experiment)** – $12.49

1 Reese’s peanut butter cup 1.5oz (I normally don’t eat peanuts but once in a while life is too rough to deal with so I enjoy Reese’s) – .88

1 Kidcents contribution (I don’t know how this happened and now every time I buy something I contribute) – .13

subtract $1.75 Eucerin coupon and $6.00 coupon (spend $40 get $6 off)

and the total comes to $47.00 including tax

** this turned out to be a no-no as per acudoc’s orders oops

Unfortunately, I no longer get an additional 10% discount which I enjoyed for quite some time (hence the coupon) but I will continue to support Rite Aid because they gave me 20% off for a long time too!

As I was sitting in Panera maybe like a year or so ago, I had the unfortunate opportunity of having to listen to a tirade by a barista, who I’ve known for quite some time. For a while, we were incredibly friendly with each other, enjoying nice conversations here and there as he came up to my table while I was working.

But then one day he noticed an evolutionary astrology book sitting next to my laptop and stared at it with his nose as if it was a weird looking rat of some sort. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it but the next time I saw him, I learned he was an anti-Darwinist and mentioned something about human life beginning 5,000 years ago. Our interactions thereon became tense with him just nodding at me if I said hi. I don’t think he liked the look on my face either.

On another visit, I was stopped by him as he helped me with my trash and suddenly began ranting about how China is forcing abortions with their child limit policies and how Hinduism is not a nature based religion, making some point around the need for naturalism? and listening to the mental and emotional needs of a person, the whole person. I spoke up here and said no, you are misinformed. Hinduism is very nature based but was interrupted as he went on and on about this and that and expressed how he was going to get in trouble for ranting on and on but he couldn’t help himself. He just couldn’t shut up and I was trying to practice Silence. I listened too long as usual and eventually excused myself..

I hope my money at Rite Aid is not supporting anti-evolutionaries. Am I hoping this because RA and Panera are located so near each other? Is it because two objects sitting next to each other may have a connection? What?!

We still have an awkward relationship filled with empty stares and silences.

Is this why I am always afraid to go to the dentist? And the eye doctor at times? How many more Sally Hansen face wax strips must I buy!

Last month while at Rite Aid, ‘You Gotta Be’ by Des’ree started playing and I kid you not, I started tearing up. The same song I’ve heard before at RA and every time it just gives me that strength I need.

Yea Hunan Kitchen!

Reflections on Neptune and Saturn Retrogrades: I have had enough

Anjali Soi Astrology , , , , , , ,

Neptune retrograde 25° – 22° Pisces: June 28 – Dec 3, 2022

Saturn Retrograde 25° – 18° Aquarius: June 4 – Oct 23, 2022

Uranus in Taurus: feels like forever

When I was seven, eight or nine, I can’t remember which trip it was, my family and I, with my uncle, aunt, cousin and grandma traveled to two holy places in India, where the Goddess is deeply worshipped. The trips were amazing. I have never felt such abundance. We completed our prayers, felt many memorable scenes and then made the long drive back home.

As it goes with being a young kid, you end up having a little too much fun because you feel like it. On the way back, my cousin, sister and I decided to yell at and scare people out the car window as we drove past them. Not sure exactly what prompted this but the feeling of freedom overtook us as our driver drove through the gorgeous sunlight that day. All the kids were in one van with Nani and the rest of the adults were in the other van.

Despite Nani’s protests, I remember yelling at one newlywed couple stuck at the side of the road trying to fix their scooter to watch out for the snake (saap!) behind them. A few people lost control of their bikes. But we complimented one girl on her beautiful buffaloes in the distance. In the light, their almost black coats looked other-wordly.

Needless to say, we ended up having not one but two flat tires. After the first flat, the parents asked us to stop in a nice manner for fear of universal retribution. The second flat tire is what truly made us stop because that was a difficult one to fix and we kids believed our work was truly done. As everyone lazily lounged back with their fantas waiting for the tire to be fixed, I couldn’t help but take in the breathtaking view of a girl across the street tending to her sea of goats in a large field under a serene afternoon into the sunset. That scene has been in the back of my mind forever.

This memory is so vivid in my being right now. Neptune’s Pisces retrograde must be taking me back to a special spiritual moment as I also view how I might have terrorized others as a seven year old (Aquarius). Recently, I found a deep pain in my lower left side has not gone away even after my procedure a few months ago. It has been brutal. I haven’t been able to sit in a chair. Most of my work is done on the sofa with my leg up, random other places around the house (I assure you I’m working) or the Panera cushion I can tolerate at times.

Something in me a few months ago told me to see an endometriosis specialist, a type of person I possibly saw in a google search and/or mentioned in the comments of an endometriosis support group on Facebook I look to at times for connection and then mentioned later on by a doctor in my doctor’s office in a moment of intense throbbing, twisting pain. Thankfully I had already made the appointment before this moment and I waited five and half months to see a specialist at Magee, who confirmed my suspicions. It is likely I have endometrial growths in deeper areas of my pelvis. I will need a procedure that removes them via excision instead of ablation. We will confirm with a different type of pelvic MRI where my vajayjay will be injected with gel (God help me).

I am relieved but devastated. I am always devastated. Everything comes back to me – the missed opportunities, fun and moments I could have had without this wretched disorder. And the simultaneous weighing against what others don’t have and how lucky I am with ‘all the support I could possibly need.’ It’s hard to feel grateful.

There are many women who don’t have their own bathrooms in this world and/or menstrual products. How many times growing up did I waste so much water sitting in the shower hoping the hot temperature would help soothe my pain? How many times have I gone over not being able to work at a conventional place of work where I could have had some more experience and money only to be treated like a second class citizen because I needed a five minute break? I still question whether I belong there.

How many times have I evaluated when and when not I will have the ability to physically do something, anything, only to have my evaluations proven wrong? And dealing with the endless insensitive comments of others, whether they mean it or not, which they often don’t. At the end of the day, as I sit in my comfortable bed with a cup of tea, the thing that has kept me going is gratitude for that darn old bathroom.

What I would do for the eternal joy of being a seven year old under a brilliant sun riding in that car again free of pain, only God knows. What is surprising to me is how I’m unfortunately thinking about the insensitive and turd-like mannerisms of some white people at this moment. Why is this beautiful memory tarnished with this reality? Why am I writing about it in the same post? I’m having trouble synthesizing what is real from what is unreal and find myself saying over and again in my mind throughout the day: UNREAL.

I just had a woman in her late forties whitesplain and appropriate to me about a creative project. In such a crass way. And I hired her! Forget about professionalism, it seems there is some level of ‘informality’ that can be accessed which I can’t imagine occurring with brown people. And I have dealt with a lot of brown people. And what is it that makes an old white, crusty mediator who has had a career and wants you to be a part of his dying career literally say: “you’re family must be so frustrated with you” as he manipulates you to join his ‘firm’ during covid. I don’t want to be a part of your stupid ‘firm’!

As if the other American bullshit isn’t enough to deal with, I remember years ago, this wretched white guy whose kid I tutored asked me to now tutor his niece. After reading my contract (or so they said it was read), which requires payment upfront, the parent did not bring payment to the first session. I then calmly explain in a sentence why I cannot tutor (and his son forgot to bring payment more than once before) and quietly walk away. I was then barraged with voicemails and emails with him calling me a c*** saying I need psychological help. And the contact (white woman! who owns an educational company!) who referred this turd to me, after he complains to the contact, emails me and says ‘I’m not surprised by his complaints.’ She never met me in person and I hardly spoke with her ever.

I’ve seen my mother deal with many Indian people in the course of her business. It sucks seeing people “bargain” with your mother for twenty dollars when they own half a million to million dollar homes. But hey, it doesn’t suck as bad as a thieving ‘mediator’ and being called the c word. This is hate.

It seems to me that whatever that level of informality is or pattern is, it exists. I feel we need to know within ourselves the type of communication and interaction appropriate for each one of us, asserting it with boundaries (Taurus) and endings while watching for the red flags. We must know our limits (Saturn).

You know, some of us don’t walk around calculating how we’re going to behave and what we’re going to say in this world. I don’t think as I interact with the world everyday ‘okay I’m interacting as a woman so this is what I will or will not say.’ I just think and behave naturally. When I’m triggered, a mix of responses come up. Should we constantly be triggered and our minds and bodies under constant duress and stress where we have to be mindful of how we respond to this? The world’s behavior, as one psychology professor put it, ‘has become so very weird.’

Unreal..

  • The update (Aug 2022) is I have DIE (deep infiltrating endometriosis) which happens often with those with stage IV endo and adenomyosis, all of which has never been addressed since I was a teenager. I’m so glad to have confirmed that I own death. And other great stuff like hydrosalpinx aka pixy stix. I wish the system worked in a way so I could have had the excision laparascopy option years ago, which is fortunately minimally invasive.

The Little Ovary That Could

Anjali Soi Astrology , , , , , , ,

I recently had an ultrasound (I’m not pregnant and I will not be going that route in this life as it’s not an interest. It’s a vaginal ultrasound – a long wand with a magical light at the end of it is stuck into your vagina. At the end of it you want a hot chocolate from Starbucks and some self-cuddling on the couch under a blankie), which shows a big endometrial cyst, also known as a chocolate cyst or endometrioma, on my ovary which needs to be removed asap.

I have endometriosis, which is where the blood in the uterine lining grows abnormally as cysts or lesions outside of the uterus in your pelvic region and less commonly in other areas of the body. I also have two smaller chocolate cysts (delicious, I know), at least what can be seen in the ultrasound, and small uterine fibroids. It makes sense now with the wretched discomfort the last couple of years. 

Having endometriosis is extremely painful and burdensome – it’s a state in which you have to be as still as possible, otherwise, the precise corner of a heavy wooden dresser weighing down on you will finally cave into your ovary and crush it into nonexistence. Or the insanely precise edge of a metal bar will do the same. You learn to develop a heightened awareness and a stillness and drudgingly accept for the moment that your desires and wishes in life will somehow and hopefully manifest. 

I’ve had routine ultrasounds to monitor this current cyst, which has to be monitored like a bomb about to detonate but this last examination showed it grew dramatically within a couple months. Years, or a lifetime, ago and ten days before my 23rd birthday, I had a large ovarian cyst which had to be removed immediately for fear of it bursting or having internal bleeding, etc. I was told I would likely lose my ovary and was in emergency (invasive) surgery the morning after seeing my doctor. Fortunately the ovary was saved. I took the semester off from law school due to a three month recovery and plowed through the last year and a half of school on birth control to ‘graduate on time’ and not incur additional costs I guess. The pill doesn’t work.

Needless to say along with the other horrors of life, my 20s were awful but thankfully and haphazardly found acupuncture to help with pain relief and other crippling symptoms like constant dizziness, vertigo, leg pain and numbness (do I even have legs?) and difficulty breathing/heaviness among numerous others. I found much relief and healing through it and Chinese herbs, going off pain medications like Naproxen, Vioxx, and tons of Advil – gotta have my m&ms and there is just little relief. I’ve seen my mother take so many prescription pain meds and some women are even on oxycodone. I have spent over $15,000 just on acupuncture out of my pocket because insurance doesn’t cover it in Western PA and it’s just cheaper even without insurance.

Acu helped with feeling like I had some method to help me and with not having to go through lots of procedures/laparoscopies. My perspective is that with the pain relief provided through acu, maybe we can avoid multiple procedures. I did have one six years ago to remove an ovarian polyp. Plop plop, fiss fiss, oh what a relief it is. The exhaustion never leaves you though. 

For many of us, covid has been a trying time. I felt something major was about to happen and went into observation mode with acceptance, providing astrological explanation to those looking for answers. But then I noticed the precise corner of that metal bar grinding into my lower back and spine, a pain getting worse. And even as I knew that the Pluto-Saturn conjunction of January 2020 heralded covid as well as other changes to come, I had trouble coming to terms with its conjunction to five degrees of my 12th house Capricorn south node, simultaneously squaring my Pluto-Libra stellium. Balance issues including around my health were coming on.

I was unable to see my acupuncturist for six months of 2020 and had minor and major bleeding for two months straight. Having these treatments taken away for half a year when it helped me function for over eleven years was brutal. Thanks a lot, communist China. The number of pads you go through numbs your mind and senses. I was so exhausted and felt like I had been whacked with that stupid metal bar over and over again. It took me over a year to get somewhat back on track with another month of terrifying bleeding in between, the type where you feel like you are going to die and have made peace with it all and friendship with loved ones. I am the eternally leaking faucet.

With endometriosis, there are so many moments you numbingly wonder why you exist and what you’re supposed to do with your Saturnian time-space reality. You want to barf all the time and hate food. I just want to go to the mountains somewhere, preferably the Himalayas and sleep, do Yoga Nidra and drink tea for all of time. Good god how much can life revolve around food even to the point of your entertainment involving food and restaurants. I know you’re not supposed to hate but sometimes I can’t stand food so I eat it like it’s garbage and thus my subsistence on cookies and tea.

Now at age 40, I’m waiting for a call back from my gynecologist’s office to schedule a laparoscopy to remove this wretched cyst. I’ve left two messages and wondered where I went wrong. Of course my 8th house Pluto will probe into the why of this but I’ve also come to a point where I’ve stopped asking why for too long. I think part of the unfathomable power and meaning of what Pluto brings is an understanding that it directs you, you can’t direct it. You have to work with its’ power, learning when to activate it and when to hold back, or just be with it for some time. Power is not just yang it’s yin. You have to harness and let Pluto take its’ course.

You shed tears feeling that you’re not an Empress yet, one who is abundant, healthy and elated. You had always envisioned yourself having a ‘clean 2nd chakra’ and being a total Goddess or Queen. But then you accept that even though you feel like a Queen on some level and look good wearing your Indian outfits, matching jewelry and decent make up, you see blood everywhere, underneath your dress and in the perimeters around you, at gatherings, meetings, all around the house. You feel beautiful but it’s marred. Something is never whole.

I guess you can’t keep complaining if you’ve come to a point not liking the results about how things should be ‘better,’ ‘cleaner,’ and ‘healed.’ Because what’s in front of you regardless of how you perceive it is Healing. These heavy rocks in my 2nd chakra are part of my Pluto path and they’re necessary. They’re my pattern, my power and powerlessness, and if Lord Shiva wants to take me on this journey with these harsh waters so be it. There is cataclysmic change and destruction, at least that’s how we humans have defined it. Pluto is the Soul and Evolution. Transformation, regeneration and power dynamics are the themes and as ruler of Scorpio, guides the understanding of your psyche and the nature of growth.

I feel the Divine has gifted me with Pluto power as I learn the journey of healing through death and rebirth, realizing it’s all a part of my destiny. As horrific as this disease is, rendering you an invalid for months at a time, if not a week or more per month during your period years (well over three decades), I am grateful for it all. If it wasn’t for this disease, I would not have been introduced to balance (8th house Libra stellium), self-nurture and care (Cancer north node in the 6th) and learning what my needs are (Taurus Moon conjunct Chiron).

My shocking experience in law school thrust me into an unexpected path, one I’m still coming to terms with years later. Instead of becoming a lawyer with an absent uterus who does her dance stuff on weekends, I became a conflict resolution professional, astrologer and educational something who plunged into psychosomatic healing and trauma work all within a wild schedule and with one too many naps over the years while arranging dance events with fellow artists in Pittsburgh. Basically, I am poor, waking up to panic and dark moments after my naps over my slim winnings, having had to move home to build a dream, or a plan. WHAT?!

The force of Pluto makes you do things you would have never consciously chosen. The conflict and inertia created is unbearable at times. I am in no way anti-establishment or any path that can help assist the female body or life. To each their own. But I am constantly scared into choosing what I view as an authentic life even when I don’t want to for fear of maybe something worse, choosing an ‘alternative path’ that feeds my wellness. How much scaring into submission can one take? That is a choice for every Soul to make.

Through all of this, you learn compassion for others and yourself because you know what it’s like to be completely submerged under heavy furniture and threatened by the various metals surrounding our existence. This is not easy whatsoever. As Jupiter transits Pisces in 2022, I hope my sense of compassion deepens and that I can feel further Surrender. I hope that whatever it is the Divine wants to Create through me and my Ovary, I come into further Acceptance and Joy.

~ Love and Peace ~

For more about endo, visit: https://www.endofound.org/endometriosis

To donate menstrual products to those in need, visit: https://www.endofound.org/periodnow

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